I recently did a soft rebrand of Forgotten Friday as “Why does this exist?” My primary reason for doing this was simple: we have 2 Friday columns; we don’t need a third. But I fear that another rebrand may be in order. You see, when you witness something truly bizarre in music (or any medium), there are really only 2 possible answers when someone asks “why does this exist?”: 1). Ego; 2). Drugs. In our last installment, we addressed a great (mediocre) example of the former. Today, we talk about the latter. Dane, if you make the word “mediocre” link to ScarJo’s wikipedia page, I’ll buy you a beer next time we hang out.
This is a weirdly personal piece about something that happened years before I was born.
The Ramones were the first band that felt like they were mine. I spent my childhood listening to a lot of classic rock, most of it passed down from my parents or older siblings. So while I genuinely enjoyed, and have only grown to further appreciate, the music of The Beatles or Nirvana (for purposes of this article, Nirvana was considered classic rock in the year 1999), there was always an element of “I like this because it’s what I was taught to like.”
With The Ramones, however, I found something that I liked just because… I liked it. It’s not as though I discovered them or anything. “Blitzkrieg Bop” is basically ubiquitous. I won’t say I “related” to the music. 12-year-old Brandon wasn’t sniffing a lot of glue and he didn’t know what Carbona was. Something about the music grabbed me, though. And as I listened to song after song, all of them 2 minutes long and virtually identical, my interests somehow broadened. The Ramones were my original access point to not just classic CBGB punk, but also surf rock, garage rock, and classic girl groups. In 8th grade, I wore a Ramones hoodie to school every day. A lot of my usernames contain the number “5303” as a reference to “53rd and 3rd”. I care about this shit a lot.
I assume you all have that one friend who owns that one Ramones shirt (it’s probably me if you’re reading channel.WAV). This one:
As is plainly evident from the text, the four founding members of the band were Johnny, Joey, Tommy, and Dee Dee, all of whom used the pseudonymous “Ramone” surname. Today, we are talking specifically about Dee Dee Ramone.
Dee Dee Ramone (real name Douglas Colvin) was the group’s original bassist and arguably its primary songwriter during his tenure, which lasted from 1974 to 1989. In addition to his songwriting, Dee Dee is generally recognized as being responsible for a number of the band’s trademarks, including their signature leather jackets, the shouted “1, 2, 3, 4!” count in on many of their songs, and even the name “Ramone” which he revealed to be a reference to “Paul Ramon”, a fake name used by Paul McCartney to check into hotels in the ‘60s.
Dee Dee’s turbulent personal life informed many of his lyrics, which frankly discussed topics such as his experiences with drugs and rehab and his time spent as a sex worker. From the title of the article, however, we can surmise that we are not going to be discussing this material. We’re going to be talking about Dee Dee fucking King.
In 1987, while still a member of The Ramones, Dee Dee rebranded himself as a rapper named Dee Dee King and released “Funky Man,” an attempt at a rap song that is honestly so astonishingly misguided that it makes Honestly, Nevermind look… slightly less terrible. You know on TV when a lame old character tries to “rap” and it’s just them saying something like, “Well my name’s Brandon Slone and I’m here to say I’m the rappingest guy in the USA” or “I hip and I hop and I just don’t stop”? This is basically that, without any shred of irony. Before we continue, let’s go ahead and watch the music video:
Alright welcome back. I assume nobody continued past that. If you did, your life is immeasurably worse than it was prior. I’m sorry. That was my bad. I hope we can still be friends. So let’s put on our Cole Cuchna hats and dissect these lyrics, pulled from Genius. They are blatantly incomplete and full lines are missing. I was going to try to fill them in myself but had little luck. No other websites have the lyrics right either. So few people care about real art.
Take a drink every time you read the word “funky.”
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Alarm clock ring
And it's time to get up
It's time to do that funky strut
I'm a funky man
I got funky bones
I'm a funky man
My name is Dee Dee Ramone
(Here, Dee Dee is introducing himself and his funkiness which runs all the way to his very bones. Truly, “Alarm clock ring / and it’s time to get up / it’s time to do that funky strut” was the “wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy” of its time. Dee Dee is so funky that he doesn’t have to tell you that he brushes his teeth with a bottle of Jack. It’s implied, merely by the fact that this song exists).
Well let me tell you about myself
I play the bass in a punk rock band
Been to all the world
Even to Japan
And nothing can surprise me man
I've seen it all
Had a ball
Someone should make a Dee Dee doll
Well alright
I'm a funky guy
Well alright
I'm a funky guy
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
(Dee Dee further establishes his funk credentials, telling us that he plays the bass in a punk rock band. What is funkier than punk rock? Nothing. Further, he has been all around the world, including Japan. What makes Japan in particular worth mentioning? It rhymes with “band” and “man,” you Philistine. As to a “Dee Dee doll,” I can’t find any evidence of one. I did find this Dee Dee Ramone Funko Pop, however, which is presently valued at $220.00. So, maybe the joke is on me here?)
I'm a lucky guy
I got the world on a string
If I could do it over
I wouldn't change a thing
Sometimes I call myself Dee Dee King
I like to hear the birds in paradise sing
(Dee Dee later said that the name Dee Dee King was chosen as an homage to BB King. That’s interesting, because it’s pretty clear to me that he made it up in the middle of this verse because he needed a rhyme. It’s incredibly bold to me that our guy chooses to say he “wouldn’t change a thing” in the middle of THIS FUCKING SONG. Bro, that’s the most punk rock thing ever)
I thank the good man above
That he gave me a sexy blonde to love
Now she wants a Mercedes Benz
Would make more sense
These are the problems I'm gonna have
(I’m sorry, what the fuck did I just read).
Not a millionaire
Not doing too bad
When we sell the Camaro
I will be glad
I'm a funky
Funky guy
I'm a funky
Funky guy
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa
(Dee Dee apparently hates his Camaro. He is also firmly middle class).
Didn't have much of an education
I live every day likes it's my vacation
Got a the dog
I'm the one that sings ya... WARTHOG!
For the last ten years I've been doing the bop
And I'm still not tired
I'm never gonna stop
I like what I'm doing and I'm having fun
Here's some advice for everyone
Try to make the most out of every day
And remember that DRUGS DON'T PAY!
(I went to no fewer than 4 lyric sites and every single one of them says “Got a the dog.” I just don’t know what that means. Dee Dee does in fact sing lead on “Warthog” which is a much better song and is one that you should be listening to instead of this one. There is some sound advice in here though and you’d be hard pressed to find a more self-aware lyric than “Drugs don’t pay” being used in, say it together, THIS FUCKING SONG)
I'm a funky
Funky guy
I'm a funky
Funky guy
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
I like rap
And hip hop
I like hardcore
And punk rock
I like hot-dogs, franks and beans
I grew up in Forest Hills Queens
I like to win
Don't like to fail
I like to get
The bills in the mail
(He likes to get the bills in the mail. Presumably because he is like me when I was 6 and gets really excited about mail with his name on it. Based on Dee Dee’s age and connection to Forest Hills, I choose to believe he canonically went to school with Spider-Man. I wrote Stan Lee several letters years ago as an inquiry into this matter but never received a response. Nor did he ever respond to my pleas that Funky Man be added to the Avengers. I’ve never eaten a hot dog, in case anyone didn’t know.)
I'm a funky guy
I got funky bones
I'm a funky guy
My name is Dee Dee Ramone
Well alright
I'm a funky guy
Well alright
I'm a funky guy
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa funky
I'm a funky guy
I'm a funky guy
I'm a funky guy
I'm a funky guy
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If you’re as drunk as you should be after taking the requisite drinks in the span of the time it took you to read that, you’ll forgive my chronic inability to wrap up articles in a satisfactory manner.
Dee Dee King went onto release one full album, Standing in the Spotlight, in 1989, the same year he left The Ramones. Per music critic Matt Carlson of AllMusic, Standing in the Spotlight “will go down in the annals of pop culture as one of the worst recordings of all time.” Seems a bit harsh, given it contains “The Crusher,” a song that I probably would have written when I was 8. I’ve gone long, however, so that’s a tale for another day.
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Tune in for the next installment of whatever this series is called, when Dane covers the September 9 Smash Mouth show in Lexington.
- Slone
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