- “I can’t believe this shit happened.”
Dane Ritter, channel.WAV Editor-in-Chief.
En route back to their home base in Lexington from the Armand Hammer / Injury Reserve show in Columbus, Brandon and Dane took part in the ultimate bonding experience: listening to the entirety of Kidz Bop 3 (or at least the portion that is available on Spotify; it appears that a decent chunk of the album is, in fact, not there, including Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle”). The following is a transcript of the ensuing conversation, edited for clarity and length. Also, I had to listen to almost an hour of my own voice to transcribe this. Do I really sound like that? Sheesh.
Fade in on the interior of a Subaru. We join our heroes somewhere in central Ohio, I think? It’s 1:52am. They are listening to a band of children singing Sheryl Crow’s “Soak Up the Sun” and the delirium has set in.
Slone: Okay, I’m recording now.
Ritter: Okay. Honestly, starting track: incredible.
Slone: I’m… I’m not gonna say it’s good. I’m not even gonna say it’s okay.
Ritter: Comparing it to the last two albums *laughs* I can say it’s good.
Slone: Comparing it to Sheryl Crow…
Ritter: Oh. No. That’s the thing. You have to separate it from the original artist, otherwise it’s just gonna be sad.
Slone: You have to separate the artist from the art.
Ritter: The ultimate separating the artist from the art.
Slone: And all these kids probably grew up to do terrible things.
Ritter: Probably. It was when I was listening to "Kryptonite" on the last album… That one was especially bad. And the video for that song. It’s a bunch of kids playing the instruments, so I don’t know if that’s the issue I’m having with it or not. I don’t think they get a bunch of kids to do the instruments on the actual album, right?
Slone: There’s probably some child labor laws that have to be considered with Kidz Bop.
Ritter: Honestly, that’s probably why they’re only ever on the chorus. Because if they demanded that they work any harder…
Slone: Yeah, it’s like they have these trained professional singers on the verses and then the chorus just goes to shit… because it’s children.
Ritter: [The woman singing these verses] sounds better than anyone on the first two albums.
Slone: She sounds better than the “work sucks” guy.
Ritter: Work sucks!
song ends
Ritter: Alright.. That was okay.
Slone: So this is the best Kidz Bop album so far.
Ritter: They said the word “communist.” So what’s next?
A chorus of children begin belting out No Doubt’s “Hey Baby”
Slone: *dies*
Ritter: Oh god.
Slone: This is actually the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Ritter: We might have to skip this.
Slone: We have to go through one full verse and one chorus. That’s the rule.
Ritter: My parents let me fucking listen to this in the car. Mom and Dad, I’m so sorry.
Slone: Your parents love you man.
Ritter: They really must.
Slone: You hug them tight next time you see them. Father’s Day is coming up.
Ritter: I’m gonna get him Kidz Bop 3… On vinyl… Okay, can we skip now?
Slone: Yeah, we’re skipping.
The song, mercifully, ceases. There is a brief moment of quiet that lives up to the old adage “silence is golden.” It’s fair to say that neither of our heroes wish to live inside this moment of silence at least long enough to get home. But home… home is still so far away.
Anyway, “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne starts playing.
This is not the Kidz Bop music video, but it is close.
Slone: We’re listening to this whole song.
Ritter: Yep… Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it and I remember these albums being a lot longer as a kid. I don’t know if streaming has all of the songs that the CDs had. That’s something I may have to look into.
I look into it. He is correct. Meanwhile, “Complicated”’s guitar riff plays on, sounding for all the world like in Guitar Hero when you play a string of incorrect notes. But this band won’t be booed off the stage. And, luckily, there will be no “restart option”
Slone: This guitar sounds like it’s being played by a 12 year old.
Ritter: It might have been.
A particularly out of tune sequence ensues
Slone: What the fuck, that was not in tune at all.
Ritter: Oh my god, it really wasn’t.
We sing along
Ritter: I need to actually listen to the song to cleanse my ears after this… what I want to know is who believed so much in this project that they had hundreds of thousands of dollars to shell out to pay for the rights to these songs?
Slone: And keep it going for like 23 years or whatever.
Ritter: Yes! How the heck did they have such deep pockets for these albums?
Slone: It’s like the same… you know that guy who does the rap verse in Rebecca Black’s “Friday”? That’s like his whole schtick is rich people just drop huge money to let their kids record these songs and he just produces and raps on them… There’s like 4 or 5 that I’ve seen with him.
Ritter: Oh.. I like that. What was up with that guitar solo for real?
Slone: That guy came into the studio and said “let me tune this guitar first” and they told him “No! There’s not time! No one knows the difference, man!”
Ritter: That might have been him trying to tune his guitar, honestly. It didn’t sound like much of anything really?
*some time passes*
Ritter: This is going to haunt me.
Slone: I don’t remember this being such a banger.
Ritter: Me either. But maybe it’s just 2 in the morning.
Slone: Is there another time to listen to Kidz Bop with your bro?
Ritter: I’d just prefer the sanctity of my home.
Slone: As long as it’s 2am, I’m down, man.
Another song starts playing… It is not immediately recognizable to either lad. There is some discussion as to what could be playing. We eventually figured out it’s an Usher song.
Slone: I’ve never heard this song in my life.
Ritter: Did Jack Harlow sample this? Is that why I know this?
Slone: No idea. I’m skipping it.
Ritter: I think he did.
We skip the song. I look ahead at the tracklist and see that the full album has “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World, arguably the greatest song ever written, excluding, of course, Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.” We are soon serenaded by “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch.
Slone: Wait, since when is this by Michelle Branch?
Ritter: Michelle Branch? Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in years! (He did this in kind of a funny voice.. I can’t transcribe voices or tone.) I’m driving way too fast.
Slone: The faster you drive, the sooner this album stops playing. What was the other Michelle Branch song? Someone leave that in the comments.
Ritter: I remember hearing this song when I was a kid and just feeling like, “Holy fuck, there’s somebody who gets me. Like… I get this.”
Slone: *laughing* How old were you, like 6??
Ritter: Yes. You had those songs when you were a kid, I’m sure.
Slone: Yeah, it was “Scars” by Papa Roach.
Laughter. Merriment. Camaraderie. Fatigue. Blissful ignorance to the horrors still to come.
Slone: This is also a fucking banger, dude. The year 2002 or whatever this is? Phenomenal.
Ritter: They really knew what they were doing with songwriting. My goodness. Where did we go wrong?
Slone: We lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness… And I stayed up with you all night, because it’s fucking 2am right now.
Ritter: Are you quoting The Fray?
Slone: Yes I am. I was wondering how long it would take you to figure that out.
Ritter: It’s 2am. How am I supposed to know that?
Slone: It’s 3am, I must be lonely. But that’s a different band.
Ritter: That’s… Lady A, right?
Slone: Matchbox 20, bro. Why is that not on Kidz Bop?
Ritter: I liked the early Matchbox 20. What was that lead singer’s name?
Slone: Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20, I believe was his full name.
POD’s “Alive” begins
Slone: We’re listening to this.
Ritter: *laughs*
Slone: I don’t know if you know this about me… The first CD I ever owned was Satellite by POD.
Ritter: No way.
Slone: I was like 6. It was bought from a little record store in Pike County called the Music Box, which I believe was later destroyed in a rock slide. And then they built a second location next door… And I believe it was later destroyed in a rock slide.
Ritter: What did they think was going to happen? Are we still doing a review for the concert? I don’t know what else there is to say other than we lost our hearing.
Slone: And my knees. And my back. And it was so hot.
Ritter: And I stood in line behind a giant for a very long time.
Slone: I was very impressed by your dedication. This song is about me… I do. I feel so alive. For the very first time. And I think I can fly.
Ritter: Then fly us home. I’m really tired of driving right now.
Pink’s “Don’t Let Me Get Me”
Slone: I admire the dedication to just not even trying. This is not even the same arrangement.
Ritter: This is a good song too. This is probably why my parents let me listen to this. At least the songs themselves are good.
Slone: At least that Pink’s got some talent.
Ritter: Still haven’t heard a song that requires editing for lyrics.
Literal seconds later, the singer informs us that she is tired of being compared to “darn” Britney Spears.
Slone: There you go. Not sure if that was intentional on your part. We’ll just say it was… Where’s Jimmy Eat World at? I wanna hear Jimmy Eat World.
Ritter: I’m gonna cry if Jimmy Eat World comes on.
Slone: If Jimmy Eat World comes on, you’re gonna have to stop this car because things are gonna get a little too wild.
“Family Affair” by Mary J. Blige begins. We apparently both individually mistook it for a different song, because this conversation is largely about Ja Rule, who is not on this song.
Slone: I wanna hear these kids answer for Fyre Festival.
Ritter: I remember when Fyre Festival happened. I devoted a whole day on Twitter to reading about it when it was happening.
Slone: This is kind of impressive vocal layering, honestly.
Ritter: I swear the production has improved even between 2 and 3.
Slone: Is there not a Ja Rule verse on this? Am I making that up?
Ritter: No, I think they probably just cut it.
Slone: Oh.. It was probably inappropriate. Ja Rule is not known for kid friendly language. Or music festival planning.
Ritter: We’ve made enemies of lots of people. I think it’s time to add Ja Rule to that list.
Slone: Don’t come at me, Ja Rule. I think he might’ve been involved in the murder of Jam Master Jay.
Ritter: Really? I watched a documentary on that murder. Ja Rule was not mentioned. Maybe this is new information. I have to research this.
Some vague approximation of Shakira’s “Wherever, Whenever” begins playing. Like, it sounds like maybe they listened to it once and then said “yeah, that’s enough, we can recreate this.
Ritter: How can you do this to Shakira? Oh no.
Slone: Well, this is horrid… I like Shakira.
Ritter: I like her too. She has a great voice. Her voice doesn’t sound anything like this. Still. Production? Great.
Re: the woodwind solo
Slone: Oh… That’s kinda dirty.
Ritter: Yeah that’s a… is that a didgeridoo.
Slone: Nah, I think it’s a… pan flute maybe?
Ritter: I have limited knowledge of the wooden… I mean woodwind instruments.
Slone: The comment section will let us know what that is. They’ve never let me down before.
“Wherever You Will Go” by The Calling
Slone: Oh, we’re listening to this one too.
Ritter: Is this going to be the first Kidz Bop installment without Smash Mouth?
Slone: It must be.. It’s the third one and Smash Mouth has 2 songs.
Ritter: Oh, it’s Pappaw [the “work sucks” guy from Kidz Bop 1]! One hour left!
Slone: See, you mentioned Lifehouse the other day and this is really right up that alley. This guy from The Calling, he has a very interesting voice. Like it’s super deep and he’s just this skinny little twink looking dude.
Ritter: *laughs* I would die.
Slone: It’s kinda like that Julian Casablancas thing. Just this deep voice coming out of this… youthful… nymph?
Ritter: How many different ways can we say twink? Youthful nymph, I like that one.
Slone: I really didn’t want to say twink twice.
Ritter: I know you didn’t want to say it again, I could really tell, you were really trying…
*laughter*
Ritter: Woodland spirit.
Slone: This Legolas looking motherfucker.
*laughter*
Ritter: Okay, I’m done… Dane Ritter looking motherfucker.
*laughter*
Ritter: It’s 2:30am, folks.
Slone: It sure is.
Ritter: This was an okay one, right? Like his voice obviously sucks but…
Slone: With source material this good, it’s pretty hard to mess it up.
Ritter: Yeah. But like the source material’s voice also isn’t like stellar, ya know?... that Lifehouse song really took me back, I will say. Is Lifehouse a Christian band? / Were they?
Slone: In my head, yes, but I’m not basing that on anything.
Ritter: Yeah, when I was listening to the song I thought they had to be, but I don’t think they are.
Slone: I swear to God if we don’t get to Jimmy Eat World soon.
Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles”
Ritter: No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY!
*laughter*
Ritter: *screams along to piano riff* White Chicks! Terry Crews this motherfucker!
Slone: Does this song ever make you wanna just… fight somebody? Like… get in the mosh pit?
Ritter: With Vanessa Carlton.*aggressively hums piano riff*
Slone: Yeah. Do you remember that rap song that sampled this a year or two ago? And like the video has the guys on the golf course?
Ritter: Yeah, what was that?
Slone: It was… um… “Who I Smoke.”
Ritter: Oh, yeah! That was a trend for a little bit. There was a Mariah Carey song that got sampled. And that one guy did Rascal Flatts.
Slone: *laughing* It’s just the most violent rap song I’ve ever heard and the beat is just Vanessa Carlton.
Ritter: I don’t get it. It’s an easy way to go viral, I guess. IF I COULD FALL, INTO THE SKY, DO YOU THINK TIME, COULD PASS ME BY. I’m gonna punch the air like Terry Crews too.
Slone: I haven’t seen White Chicks in a long time.
Ritter: Well, I’ve really fallen out with Terry Crews. He kind of sucks... But White Chicks is a good movie.
Slone: I like those Wayans Brothers. They do good work. Marlon Wayans was in Above the Rim with Tupac Shakur. And in Requiem for a Dream. And Jared Leto gets his arm cut off in that movie.
Ritter: It’s Morbin’ Time! I’ll be honest, I thought that was just a meme. And then I saw a video yesterday.
Slone: Wait, he really says it in the movie??
Ritter: He says “It’s Morbin’ Time!”
Slone: What?
Ritter: I shit you not. It was not edited. There was a full fucking crowd in that movie theater, dude. And when he said it… They went fucking nuts.
Slone: The internet is going to meme that movie a sequel.
Ritter: They already did. Disney greenlit a sequel for 2024. But you know what?
Slone: What?
Ritter: It’s Morbin’ Time.
Editor's note: Jared Leto in fact did not say "It's Morbin' Time!" in the smash 2022 hit, Morbius.
Oh, shit… It’s: Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott’s “Hero”
Slone: Oh my god.
Ritter: No! This is right after Vanessa Carlton? And it’s Pappaw? This is not good.
Slone: Dane, we died.
Ritter: And we’re in Heaven. Who wrote this originally again?
Slone: This was, um, Chad Kroeger and the guy from Saliva.
Ritter: That’s right.
Slone: And it was on the Spider-Man soundtrack. Why does sound like Randy Newman?
Ritter: This is pretty bad.
Slone: This is insane.
Ritter: Why is this not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Slone: It hasn’t been 25 years.
Ritter: I nominate this myself.
Slone: Let’s see what kind of harmonies they can hit. This old man and these children.
Ritter: Probably not good ones. Is he harmonizing with himself? Oh.. Oh no.
We pass by an abandoned bicycle on the road
Slone: Go get that bicycle, dude. That’s free.
Ritter: There was a bicycle? I am in need of a bicycle.
Slone: Go get it. I never learned to ride a bicycle
Ritter: Wait, really? I know what we’re doing this summer, Ferb. I actually don’t have the patience to teach anybody.
Slone: And I don’t have the patience to learn at the age of 27.
Just a Friend 2002 by Mario
Slone: This is not Biz Markie
Ritter: No, it is not.
Slone: This is Mario. Remember Mario?
Ritter: Yeah, he eats mushrooms.
Slone: Well that could be any number of people involved in this production.
Ritter: Who was the guy who did “The Thong Song”?
Slone: Cisco.
Ritter: Cisco. I’ll never forget that guy.
Slone: You just did.
Ritter: I’ll never forget that guy’s face. How’s that? This could have been… They could have just got Pappaw and done the Biz Markie song.
*skip*
Ritter: Thank you.
Slone: I believe in the mercy rule.
Wasting My Time by Default
Ritter: What is this?
Slone: Oh. I know this. It’s..Called “Wasting My Time.” I don’t remember who it’s by. It’s one of those 2002 bands.
Ritter: It’s not a Creed song is it?
Slone: No, it’s one of those things that’s kinda in that vein… Of those butt rock bands. Is it… Default? Maybe?
*Googles, verifies*
Slone: It is Default! Oh my God! I’m so good!
Ritter: Wow. Default. That’s a band I have not thought about in a long time. (there wasn’t a funny voice this time)
Slone: I can’t imagine you’ve ever thought about Default. Unless maybe someone asked you who sings the 2002 classic “Wasting My Time.” And you said “It’s Default. You goddamn idiot. And then you hit them.”
Ritter: With the Default CD.
Slone: Yes, with the Default CD that you keep in your pocket at all times.
Ritter: I just have to stay ready for that question.
Slone: That’s how that album went gold. You buying those CDs.
Ritter: Yep.
Slone: Listen to this guitar solo from this guitar that was just plugged in. Hasn’t been operational for the rest of the song.
Ritter: Do you think the kids were playing this solo too?
Slone: Maybe… I think someone made this guitar solo in Garage Band on their MacBook…. Have you ever heard the Cee Lo Green cover of “No One’s Gonna Love You” by Band of Horses? It’s like… did you ever have one of those toy keyboards when you were a kid? Where you could just push the one button and the pre-recorded beats would play? It just sounds like that.
Ritter: I’m sure it’s awful. Band of Horses is a sticky band for me. I can’t enjoy them as much as other people do. I know a lot of people love that band. And are excited to see them. But they’re not for me.
Slone: God, just give me some Jimmy Eat World.
The next song begins playing. It’s not Jimmy Eat World. It’s Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This.” I get frustrated, as frustrated as any editor reading this transcript watching me switch between first and third person with absolutely no rhyme or reason. I Google again, and receive a pleasant surprise.
Slone: I have good news.
Ritter: Is Jimmy Eat World next?
Slone: No. But this is the last song.
Ritter: This is?
Slone: Yes.
Ritter: We’re not getting “The Middle”?
Slone: We’re not.
Ritter: You got me really excited. I thought “The Middle” was coming.
Slone: No, but I can find it on YouTube or something when this is over, don’t worry.
Ritter: Okay, yeah.
Kelly Clarkson, singing: “I can’t believe it’s happening”
Ritter: I can’t believe that this shit happened.
*laughter, recording ends. Later, we saw a ghost standing on a bridge.*
Well, wasn’t that fun? I sure had fun. You should try it sometime. Maybe next time you can listen to a Kidz Bop album and we can read your review!
- Slone
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