It's a Bop: the Kidz Bop Kids in Review (pt. 1)

Folks, it's been a very long year, and it is only May. There's a new little horror sticking it's nose in every good person's business each day of the week. I think plenty of us have rightfully given up and could use a laugh.

Welcome to a new feature (that will run out when I feel like it or until the end of time) where I review Kidz Bop albums. Yes, those Kidz Bop Kids.

Anyway, I was originally blackmailed into this feature to get an article out of one Mr. Aaron Botts, but then I decided to torture myself by listening to a different Kidz Bop compilation every other week. So, I implore you, enjoy my pain.

In our inaugural installation for this column, I'm starting at the very beginning. "Kidz Bop 1," or, as it is actually known, just Kidz Bop (because the creators of this monstrosity never expected this to take a foothold in every parent's agonizing life). According to Wikipedia, the Kidz Bop series has "sold over 21 million albums and has generated over 4.5 billion streams." I find this hard to believe, but I refuse to look it up myself, so we're going to accept it as fact.

And, keep all of that in mind while I inform you that this series is based around covering popular music in a family-friendly way. Sung by children singers with little-to-no prior vocal training, usually assisted by a just-as-tone-deaf adult. Ergo, "bops for kids."

In Kidz Bop, a gold standard is set in which extremely popular songs are "kid-ified," for lack of a better term. Mega-hits like Britney Spears' "Oops... I Did It Again" and Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" round out the tracklist, making it clear that the label creating this monstrosity have incredible pull in the industry. These are not cheap songs to pay for a cover of. You will immediately need to hear the original version of these songs in order to wash out the residue of these truly horrible covers.

To top things off, and to open up with a true bang, the original Kidz Bop starts with one of the greatest meme songs of all-time: Smashmouth's "All Star." It's as though the label could see into the future: what's funnier than a shitty song being parodied by a bunch of tone-deaf kids? Surely they've recruited mythical oracles to foresee such a truly hilarious creation's popularity -- one which has racked up 450,000 streams alone on Spotify. Look, they even made a music video:

At 18 songs long, this album feels never-ending. It's nostalgic in the worse way, and maybe the funniest part about Kidz Bop 1 is that most of, if not all of, these songs were already family-friendly. There's few lyrics to change or update, so, really, in 2001 when you were buying this CD, you're just paying for untalented people to sing the top 40. If you listen to any songs off of this album, please listen to "All the Small Things" -- it's like they pulled a random grandpa off the street to sing this one.

I don't know what else to say. I listened to this whole thing and it upset my new puppy. She thought there were small children inside my house scream-singing. I give it a 2/10 as far as Kidz Bop albums go (and unfortunately, I've heard a few prior to this article... but more on that later). I'm already looking forward to reviewing a real album next week.

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Dear reader, there are a few ways this postscript can go; 1. You can make the pain of this feature end with ten comments below asking for my release from this assignment; 2. You can choose which Kidz Bop album I listen to next; or 3. you can tell me to keep it in chronological order. I know which one is the funniest -- comment below.

- Ritter